High Conflict Personalities and Separation

An amicable divorce and positive parenting relationship is a worthy goal. But as they say: it takes two to tango. So what happens if your ex-spouse can’t dance (or flat-out refuses to)?  What do you do if your ex-spouse is a HCP?

The notion of a “high conflict personality” (HCP) is a theory pioneered by lawyer, mediator, therapist, author Bill Eddy. HCP describes people who are constantly seeking out conflict. People who seem to be constantly involved in unnecessary conflicts, and who escalate, rather than reduce or resolve conflict.  That might be in conflict with other  family members, colleagues, friends, service providers, the general public……and in the context of Family Law – with you (their co-parent).

It is important to understand that HCP is not a personality disorder, rather it is a description of a pattern of behaviours by someone. That does not mean, of course, that the two are mutually exclusive; a person may indeed have a personality disorder and be a HCP or they may simply be a HCP.

Bill identified 4 characteristics of a high conflict personality, being:

1. Blaming others (particularly people close to them and people in positions of authority) and an inability to accept personal responsibility. They may have a victim mentality and can become preoccupied with their target of blame (most often, likely to be you).
2. All or nothing thinking. We often know this as “black and white thinking”. That is, something is all good or all bad.  The person is unable to think flexibly, see things from another perspective or operate in the grey area.  They are unable to compromise, and may predict extreme outcomes.  They may view people as all good or all bad;
3. Unmanaged emotions. The HCP becomes disproportionately emotional, demonstrates intense fear, anger, disrespect, is unable to control their emotions, and is oblivious to the distressing and exhausting emotional impact they have on other people. They may be prone to outbursts and tantrums and be set off by what seems to be the slightest of things; and
4. Extreme behaviours.  The HCP may engage in extreme behaviours that 90% of the general population would not engage in, such as physical violence, verbal/written abuse, obsessive contact/tracking the other person, controlling/dominating behaviours.

HCPs engage in what Bill terms “blamespeak”, which is a language and communication style which essentially seeks to get attention, invoke a response, attribute blame and avoid vulnerability.  Blamespeak often bears the following characteristics:

1. Emotional intensity and disproportionality (although it can be quite the opposite in some cases, where the HCP is passive aggressive);
2. Personal topics (e.g. the victim’s intelligence, appearance, sanity, memory, career, ethics, sex life);
3. Blaming and a lack of responsibility (e.g. “this is entirely your fault”);
4. Lack of context (it bears no regard to the positive aspects of the victim’s behaviour/contribution, and ignores the negative aspects of the HCP’s behaviour/contribution).
5. Publicity.  The HCP often shares with family/friends (or others) the victim’s blameworthiness and the HCP’s blamelessness in the situation.  The HCP lacks boundaries and does not have a normal sense of shame or embarrassment.
6. It causes an intense negative gut feeling to the victim.  That is, it is more than a one off, mean comment.  It is language/content that causes the victim to feel sick, fearful/scared, helpless or extremely angry.
7. The victim feels compelled to respond with blamespeak (don’t do it!).

So what are your options when you must have an ongoing relationship with a HCP co-parent?  It is important to pause here to acknowledge that your physical/emotional safety (and that of your children) is first and foremost.  We discuss below the subtle distinction/overlap between HCP behaviour and domestic violence.

What can you do if you are dealing with a HCP?

So how do you protect your emotional/mental safety whilst co-parenting (or parallel parenting) with a HCP coparent?

Bill observes that it is important that you do not:

1. Confront the HCP about the HCP label; or
2. Weaponise the knowledge you have about HCPs (and that they are a HCP).

Doing either or both of these things will not change the HCP, in fact it is likely to enrage them and cause them to escalate, which will only make things worse for you.

Although coparenting with a HCP is likely to be exhausting, involved and emotional, you can develop strategies to deal with the HCPs behaviour, by observing their patterns predictable behaviours in different scenarios. The following are recommended strategies:

1. Connect with them (when you must) in a safe way.  Listen to their grievance, story, perspective.   This shows them empathy, respect and attention. If you are familiar with the tenets of conflict resolution, this will be familiar territory to you in terms of resolving conflict and negotiating;
2. Stay calm (and don’t take the bait!).  Remember that your response or reaction is highly likely to impact their reaction.  This is not about taking responsibility for their reaction, rather it is about emotionally detaching yourself, so that you do not become emotional in your responses;
3. Focus on the present/future not the past.  Do not be drawn into a conversation over past grievances or wrongdoings.  Remain in the moment and focus only on the current issue.  You should redirect any attempts to raise historical matters;
4. Analyse the options you have to deal with your HCP.  Is written communication best? (more than likely with  a HCP).  Do you need to respond to their message?  How are you going to respond? When are you going to respond?  Do you need a parenting coordinator? Do you need comprehensive Orders about communications?;
5. Utilise the “BIFF” method in your communications with them (more on the “BIFF” method below);
6. Avoid giving them negative feedback.  HCPs cannot handle negative feedback. Instead, frame the feedback positively; and
7. Set limits on the HCP’s problematic behaviour. Use a coparenting app, turn your phone off/block them where appropriate, lean on your solicitor or parenting coordinator and friends/family, seek Police assistance if necessary.

We increasingly have clients experiencing difficulties with their HCP co-parent’s written communications (e.g. texts, DMs, emails etc), whether that is because of the volume of communications or their content (or both).  Where appropriate, we often refer clients to Bill Eddy’s “BIFF method” of communicating with their HCP co-parent.  The BIFF method essentially serves as a tool for how you communicate with your HCP co-parent.  It stands for:

• Brief
• Informative
• Friendly
• Firm

1. Brief – keep it short.  Aim for 2-3 sentences, regardless of how long the HCP’s message was.  Less words means a lower risk of triggering a blamespeak response from the HCP.
2. Informative – give them straight/neutral, factual, objective information on the issue. For example “Annabelle has a school drama performance on at 5pm on Friday 1 October. I will get her ready and drop her off.  The details for the performance and how you can buy a ticket are in the attached flyer.  I have bought my ticket”.
3. Friendly – include a “friendly’ opening or closing sentence, so the HCP feels seen and not ignored or irrelevant.  For example “Thank you for sending me that information” or “Thanks, I appreciate it”.
4. Firm – the goal is to limit the amount of engagement with the HCP but still get the necessary outcome. if you need a response, include a timeframe for the response and an indication of the action you will proceed with if they do not respond.  If there are potential options/solutions, give 2 and ask them which one they agree with.

Below is an example of BIFF communications between co-parents (Rebecca doing a good job in the end):

Rebecca:            Hi John. Josh has Zack’ birthday party at Zone Bowling this
weekend on Sunday from 11am until 2pm.  You will need to organise a
present for him to take and he will need to take his soccer gear with him (and
water bottle and snack) because he has soccer training straight after at
2.30pm.  Thanks.

John:                     Don’t tell me what to do when I have Josh!  He is my son
and it’s my weekend with him.  I am not going to have my time with him
dictated, whether that’s where he needs to be or how I need to take care of
him. You are not the boss anymore, and you can’t tell me what to do! I am in
charge when he is with me!

Rebecca:            Hi John. I appreciate that you need to make the decisions
and arrangements for Josh when he is with you.   Moving forward, I will
ensure that I put all activities/events/invitations for Josh into our joint calendar
as soon as I become aware of them.  I will also send you a copy of the
invitation/notice when I receive it, so that for events/activities that occur when
Josh is in your care, you can action/respond to the event and make the
necessary arrangements.   Thank you.

An important aspect of communicating with a HCP co-parent is remembering that not all of their communications need (or should get) a response.  Often, victims have become conditioned to responding to every communication from the HCP because they fear the HCP’s reaction to no response.   The following are helpful indicators in identifying the types of communications that do not need a response:

1. Where there is no actual issue that needs resolving.
2. Where you have already responded sufficiently on the issue.
3. Where it is evident that the HCP’s mind will not be changed.
4. Where the communication is simply the HCP espousing their opinion about you/your conduct (e.g. insults, denigration, name-calling).
5. Where there is no one else involved in the communication/issue.

Domestic and Family Violence and HCPs

There is significant crossover between behaviours exhibited by HCPs towards ex-partners/coparents and actions that constitute domestic and family violence.

In recent years, the definition of domestic violence has been expanded to include more nuanced forms of violence and abuse, including coercive control, financial control and stalking. As the definition has expanded, the ability of Police, the Courts and solicitors to better recognise these behaviours has increased. It is well recognised that separation is a significant risk point for victims of domestic violence, and in fact separation can result in an escalation of domestic violence. It is vital that victims of domestic violence obtain necessary protection, support and advice at this time.

It is important, however, to distinguish between domestic violence and HCP, as the best approach to be taken can differ.

For example, whilst it may be appropriate to mediate a parenting matter where there is a HCP co-parent, it may not be appropriate to mediate if a party has perpetrated (or continues to engage in) domestic violence against their co-parent. If a mediation is to occur where there has been domestic violence (or a risk of it occurring), safety
measures may need to be put in place to ensure the mediation can occur safely and without undue pressure or stress being placed on the victim. The same may not be necessary where a party is simply a HCP.

Similarly, practical parenting considerations such as communications, changeovers and care arrangements are likely to be very different where there has been domestic violence, as opposed to a party simply being a HCP.

Potential Outcomes when Coparenting with HCPs

As with all family law matters, the circumstances of each family are unique and require specific, tailored strategies to obtain the best outcome for the family.

The paramount consideration for the Court when making parenting orders is to make Orders that are in the best interests of children, while ensuring those arrangements promote the safety of the child and parent. This consideration of course takes into account the parental conflict, communication style, the potential impact on children of
being exposed to ongoing conflict, and how the conflict can be managed in a parenting context.

The solution for families may include a combination of the following:

1. Detailed parenting Orders/Parenting Plan that outline:
   1. the time arrangements;
   2. changeover arrangements, which may include changeovers at a contact centre/school to avoid parental interactions;
   3. the method of parental communication, such as a parenting app or communication in writing only;
   4. times for parental communication with children;
   5. injunctions on parents denigrating the other parent to children;
   6. an approach if there are disputes about the arrangements, including
      parenting coordination or mediation;
2. The use of a parenting coordinator to manage disputes/communications;
3. Parents or the family attending for psychological treatment/family counselling;
4. Parents attending parenting courses, behaviour change courses or communicating with a child’s psychologist to understand the impact of their behaviour on children;
5. The non HCP parent attending for psychological treatment to assist them to manage and communicate with the HCP, and minimising the impact on children;
6. Domestic violence Orders and police intervention.

We know that parties with personality disorders and/or HCPs are disproportionately represented in litigated Family Law matters (i.e. they are more likely to be end up in Court). This is often a result of their pattern of behaviours in conflict (described above) which cause them to be more resistant to resolving issues, less likely to, or capable of, negotiating with the other parent, lacking the capacity to see things from another perspective, operate in the grey areas, shift from their fixed view, be flexible or compromise. In those cases, the Court is often assisted by experts such as Family Report writers or psychiatrists to guide the family and the Court towards an outcome that is best for the children involved.

As experienced Family Law solicitors, we are highly skilled in dealing HCPs in the Family Law space, including prior to separation (when making a plan to leave), in the initial phase following separation (where conflict may be heightened) during negotiations and the Court process, as well as after final Orders are made and parties are still experiencing difficulties with their co-parent or ex-spouse. We offer a non-judgmental, compassionate, thoughtful and skilled approach to our clients.